Despondency and a Newcastle

I have lost the courage to matter, to make a difference. I admit it. No shame, no need to hide behind false pretenses. I am deeply concerned with my lack of drive. It is my desire that I can rediscover my internal drive.
Okay enough about that… it all seems okay when drinking a nice pint of Newcastle Brown Ale. Well that would be any beer, okay maybe not just any beer, it has to be a really really good one. One that is full flavored and leaves you desiring another one just like it. It is even better when this is shared with a friend. Speaking of which, this has been a tough area for me lately.
Ever since moving to Hammond I have had some extremely lonely times. Times that I would rather not relive or ever remember. I wish I had more of a social network here, some people I could chill with, share a meal with, go to the movies with… It may be too late for this to happen in Hammond, seeing that I am moving. The rest of my despondency comes with the fact that I am moving to Eunice, no hope of this changing there. Smaller town with less to do, well it can only improve.
It isn’t that I do not have good friends, they just do not live close to me. I have teeny, she is always good to me. I have Joey, my best friend in the whole world. I have Jenny, she and I have been together a long time. I have T, we are brothers. I have Matt, we have known each other since we were young enough to still think the world was salvageable. These folks are extremely close to me, and I could never imagine my life with out them, its just that they live anywhere from an hour to 18 hours away… and with moving this will not grow any better.
I am tired of being lonely… I just want people who will return phone calls, think of me more often when they do things, I just want real friends. I try, at least I think I do, but I cannot say that I am very succesful. Much of this has to do with my work and school environments not necessarily providing and outlet. I worked with all married women and went to school with mostly weirdoes or single moms… This has to change, it is just that Eunice does not necessarily offer and hope.
I must start seeing the positive in it all, things will get better. Things will improve. Things will get better! I have to believe this, or else I will not make it. I have to cling the fact that this life has nothing to do with me and it has everything to do with the kids I am sent to in Mamou or elsewhere. If I am to be lonely my entire life, then so be it, I will do it for the kids. They are my life’s purpose!