Wow… a year has gone by!

I am not very good at this blog thing obviously, and well could probably utilize it more often. Okay so according to my last blog I was in Mamou, well I am no longer there. June of 2007 I moved back to the LP (Livingston Parish) and will be the school counselor at Walker Freshman HS. I am excited about the possibilities of this new job.

Funny how it all works. It was two years ago that they began talking about having a Freshman HS in Walker, and it was around that time God dropped in my heart that is where I would be. Okay not trying to be hokey with the God spoke to me stuff, but man I sure feel as if he did. And the fact that from the time I was told about the job, to the interview and my getting the job only five days went by… sounds like God’s hand in it all.

Anyway back in the LP, near friends and family sure makes life less boring and lonely! I am happy to be back and look forward to what is to come.

Mamou

I graduated, moved to Eunice and work at Mamou HS… It is fun, and hot (I am an assistant football coach and well I think I am shrinking it is so hot). All is well, however I wont see a pay check until late September… argggghhhhh, it will be tough!

Last Paper

Okay, so I just wrote my last paper for graduate school!!!!! One more presentation, comprehensive exams and two test… Then I graduate!

Insight

As I write this our world is experiencing some tumultous times; Israel faces the threat of war with Iranian backed Hezbollah terrorist, the Iraqi conundrum has yet to improve, and North Korea still lears over its neighbors with the threat of nuclear holocaust. It would be easy to retreat into an attitude of fear and hopelessness. That would be easy with these events acting on their own; however, as we all know this is not the only thing that concerns us. There is so much more. Things that may appear trivial to the unempathic, to the uninvolved…
They are very real and very frightening, they often involve change. Change for the better, change for the worse. Only time will allow for the answer to be revealed.

Regardless of the change, regardless of its effect, what ultimately matters is our perception. We can never change the precipitating events that unfold in our lives, nor can we change how it effects us… What we can and must do is change our point of view. With every event that we encounter it is paramount that as the chinese say, find our wie and chi (or chee wee) in these changing moments. The wie and chi, transliterrated means Danger and Opportunity. In ever crisis or life change comes both pain and triumph. It is the triumph that we must begin to emmbrace. As the proverbial saying goes, “what doesnn’t kill us makes us stronger.”

Mamou…

So yesterday I went to Mamou HS, my future place of employment and saw my new office.  Upon viewing my office and meeting a few of the faculty and staff I got really excited about going there.  I had such a sense of this is where I will be, at least for the time being.  I am looking forward to the change and cannot wait to get started.  I am actually looking forward to my new crib, though it is nothing fancy it will be nice to have a change.

I have developed a plan to update the oldness of the crib, like a couch and chair cover (oh yeah the place is a furnished joint, but by old people), some pillows and hiding the atrocious rugs they have in the house…  Anyway it is cheap and will give me a chance to save some loot!

I like change, I like new things, this is something I am learning about myself.

Hurt

I had lunch with a dear friend today; it was good to catch up on things and to spend some time before I venture into the unknown that comes with a new place and a new job. I am excited about the possibilities that exist there. Blair, a wonderful friend indeed… She has a knack at making me feel special even when the reality is I am not so sure.
As our conversation progressed it came to light that a gentleman that will go unnamed has told some people that I am a bunch of things that well just are not true. And if there were any truth in it, it was quickly smothered by the embellishments of this unnamed individual. Okay, honestly, this does not bother me, the part that bothers me is that people, with whom I assumed I was a friend with, were the only contact that I had with this person. These were people that at various times in my life I have trusted with my struggles, my hurts, my joys, etc. And it is these people; two to be exact, that divulged parts of my life that I would just assume be left within the conversations they were a part of.
It is so painful, to find out that people whom you loved and considered friends do this to you. This has been the trend lately, from “friends” in BR and the surrounding areas. They tend to gossip and spread malicious things about people all in the context of “we need to pray for him because…” This is sickening, and people wonder as to why no one wants to be a part of a church, why they reject christianity (note the little “c”). They reject what they believe to be the truth, because what they see is nothing but a shell of people with their own ideas and interpretations as to what being Christian is all about. It is these people who hurt others and lay out daggers that pierce beyond healing. That pierce so deep they cause a physical aching that seems unbearable.
I say all of this not to warrant some sense of pity, but to just reiterate what my friend Ashley said her blog earlier today. Thanks Teeny for those words of wisdom. They have truly played out in my life today; I can always count on people like her. This I am sure of!

Despondency and a Newcastle

I have lost the courage to matter, to make a difference. I admit it. No shame, no need to hide behind false pretenses. I am deeply concerned with my lack of drive. It is my desire that I can rediscover my internal drive.
Okay enough about that… it all seems okay when drinking a nice pint of Newcastle Brown Ale. Well that would be any beer, okay maybe not just any beer, it has to be a really really good one. One that is full flavored and leaves you desiring another one just like it. It is even better when this is shared with a friend. Speaking of which, this has been a tough area for me lately.
Ever since moving to Hammond I have had some extremely lonely times. Times that I would rather not relive or ever remember. I wish I had more of a social network here, some people I could chill with, share a meal with, go to the movies with… It may be too late for this to happen in Hammond, seeing that I am moving. The rest of my despondency comes with the fact that I am moving to Eunice, no hope of this changing there. Smaller town with less to do, well it can only improve.
It isn’t that I do not have good friends, they just do not live close to me. I have teeny, she is always good to me. I have Joey, my best friend in the whole world. I have Jenny, she and I have been together a long time. I have T, we are brothers. I have Matt, we have known each other since we were young enough to still think the world was salvageable. These folks are extremely close to me, and I could never imagine my life with out them, its just that they live anywhere from an hour to 18 hours away… and with moving this will not grow any better.
I am tired of being lonely… I just want people who will return phone calls, think of me more often when they do things, I just want real friends. I try, at least I think I do, but I cannot say that I am very succesful. Much of this has to do with my work and school environments not necessarily providing and outlet. I worked with all married women and went to school with mostly weirdoes or single moms… This has to change, it is just that Eunice does not necessarily offer and hope.
I must start seeing the positive in it all, things will get better. Things will improve. Things will get better! I have to believe this, or else I will not make it. I have to cling the fact that this life has nothing to do with me and it has everything to do with the kids I am sent to in Mamou or elsewhere. If I am to be lonely my entire life, then so be it, I will do it for the kids. They are my life’s purpose!

Sunday Morning Thoughts

I went to look for a place to live yesterday, lets just say that there is a minimal amount to choose from! Frustrating, very frustrating! I am wishing I could stay where I am and just transport to Mamou for work everyday. ARRRRGGGGHHHH! I drove all over Eunice and well hit brick walls, then when I did have a bead on a place, the woman, who was suppose to be there was not! So upon finally contacting her, I must go back there Monday morning. Anyway I need to be moved by the first week of August, that is 30 days, and closer than it sounds. I assume it will all work out, God doesn’t open doors without taking care of stuff!
As far as God is concerned, I assume I am still a Christian. Certain life events, some better than others have seriously changed the way I see God and Christianity. Don’t misunderstand me, I still believe in Jesus, being the Son of God, dead buried and resurrected on the Third Day! That being the foundations of the faith, I think I have that. However, it is the extracurricular activities that I either have a problems with or just don’t do as a I should. Okay lets start with what I should probably be doing, but have not (and I am still not convinced that the these are pertinent to my salvation they just assist in my dependency on God): going to church (this is harder to do lately, because well I hate going just to go, I go to fellowship, which is the sole reason we have church – the gathering together of the saints), reading my Bible (okay this is good, because it helps to understand the teachings of Christ and assist us in implementing His will into our lives, however, I have been so perverted by fundamentalist interpretation it is hard for me to read the Bible critically, thus being able to read it as it is meant to be), praying (this is means prayer in a formal sense, the scheduling of time, which I am not too sure is what prayer is supposed to be, I mean shouldn’t we be moved to prayer, just we are moved to spend time with a lover or a friend, scheduling never has worked for me, maybe that is why I am such a bad friend and have very few close friends?) and lastly helping others (I mean really thinking of others without it being some sense of gain for me, reaching to the poor and the hurting in a way where no one knows it is me and the reward lies not in man’s praise but in God receiving his glory due!)
Now for the things I just don’t know if I agree with anymore, or just cannot swallow… This whole idea of regimented sanctification and personal holiness (isn’t this a spiritual process, one where God does the work and well we just make sure we are positioned so that he may do his thing), the idea that this type of behavior leads to spiritual authority and makes one more powerful than another, thus equating to higher positions within a church body doesn’t God decide this, I have seen to often where people with no more spirituality than myself are elevated as if they have some greater power…maybe I am cynical, maybe it is my own insecurities), and last the idea that if you are Christian you are to be affiliated with “christian” political parties and “christian” agendas (why is it that the only thing many “christians” want to debate are queers and abortion, don’t get me wrong I have a problem with abortion, I hate the thought of a baby dying, but I am not so sure about homosexuals. The debate is not whether or not it is a sin but that they are people and they deserve love and not our condemning them to hell. If that were the case, because they have sin, then I am one foot into the fire myself – I lie, am jealous, envious of others, contemptible, easily swayed by worldly pleasures of drink and women, so if sin is our only gauge as to our spiritual prowess or integrity and grace is longer a player we are all proverbially screwed!)
Okay so these are my Sunday morning thoughts as I sit in PJ’s not attending church, debating the true nature of the Christian life and its relevance to the world around me. I long for a simplistic faith, one that is made evident in my deeds, one where I can call myself a Christian and not have to worry about the fate of my soul, but one where I can rest in the grace afforded me on that lonely cross.

Decisions…

I have come to yet another crossroads in my life, where do I go for a J-O-B?  I have options which is always good, but at the same time I am curious as to which one I should take. I wish one could see, say five years down the road. and know what each choice will bring.  However, this may not be as desirable as it would be assumed.  It removes the adventure from life, the excitement and the unknown reality of destiny.  I long to be in a position to be in complete fulfillment of what I have been fashioned for.  I think everyone does, but so few are willing to step out and take a chance.

 So if I choose one place over another does it mean I am removing myself or positioning myself, I do not know.  Currently it appears that I may have opportunities arise in Maryland and Louisiana.  Both bring me into reality, what I thought were a dream three years ago.  Both will involve being a school counselor to kids who are underprivileged, desperate and needing someone to care about them as people.  Both offer potential to serve as a launching pad elsewhere.  The glaring differences are pay, and location.  The Louisiana job takes me to the rural cajun country that we all love and adore, and the Maryland job brings me to the center of our National attention, just outside of D.C.  The Louisiana job pays significantly less, 20,000 a year less; however money does not mean everything.  The thing that scares me most about D.C. is I have no idea what to expect, the people I will work with and the nature of my work environment.  With Louisiana I know all of that.  My heart leans towards Louisiana, but is that because of comfort.  I have never been one to shy away from hard decisions, so the possibility of my making this decision based upon comfort is a bleak reality.  What does often permeate in all of my decisions in my heart and its willingness to be led by God into my appropriate place.

So I am left to wander, where oh where should I go…   If anyone has any clue or would like to help out please feel free to advise.   

D.C. (cont)

Okay so I wrote the last blog at about 5 p.m. eastern, prior to my attending the National Community Church’s service at Ebenezer Coffee House (corner of 2nd and F street, if you are ever in the area I suggest you check them out), www.theaterchurch.com. I went into the service primarily with it being a vehicle to connect with some old friends from college, which I did and it was wonderful (I love you Renee, Tracey and Missy, you are all great); however, God had a different plan for why I was there. The pastor spoke directly to what I had already been grappling with all day, just how small I am and in that smallness comes a huge miracle — the miracle of the ordinary.

He stated that there are so many daily task such as brushing our teeth, reading the newspaper, eating breakfast (all before our day begins) without ever realizing the miracles that occur for this to even take place. He gave a general and brief synopsis about the functionality of the human brain and the complex firing of neurons and communication with various cortexes that allow all that I listed earlier to occur. It blew my mind that I had never stopped to realize the beauty and minute detail that God instilled in our creation. The pastor’s exposition brought me to a greater revelation as to just how small I am and yet I am perfectly and wonderfully made by the hand of a big God! I love my God and I am thankful that inspite of failures, insecurities and all too often ignorant human nature I am still a creature in the hands of a loving creator! It is way too easy to forget this, I must remember to keep this at the forefront of my frontal lobe!